"live, laugh, love and redact EVERYTHING" 🧾✨💰
🙏
once upon a time
in corporate america’s
financial fantasyland™,
i was 8 months pregnant,
paying every bill,
and carrying a man
whose job title should’ve been
🔥full-time fucking liability.🔥
he was “supervised.”
allegedly.
at a firm where
✨my only real role✨
was funding the experiment
and handing over
my life savings with a smile.
🔥🔥🔥
meanwhile,
i was assigned a
✨neutral, professional,
totally regulation-abiding✨
financial rep to handle
our accounts.
..
💥💥 except plot twist 😵💫
by december 2023,
my husband was regularly…
🔥 filming himself masturbating.
🔥 sending it to innumerable women online.
🔥 allegedly, doing cocaine!!!
🔥 multiple times a week! (with no income)
🔥 trying to murder me!
…
✨cue the “financial rep” girlie✨
a woman
✦ i never picked,
✦ barely knew,
✦ never once contacted me directly
🔥 to explain the policies
🔥 she was signing me up for
🔥 during active labor
✦ instead was texting him
🔥 constantly in private
✦ received cropped birth photos from him
🔥 that deliberately erased me
✦ had him at her apartment;
🔥 repeatedly
✦ and gave him a myriad of cash during onboarding
…
babe!
that rep?
she never texted me,
never emailed me.
✨ the pregnant woman
✨ funding the policies,
✨ opening the files,
✨ and submitting medical records.
nope.
NAH.
that would
make too much
legal sense.
🕊️✨
my rep was REALLY BUSY texting ✨my husband.✨
the non-client,
with zero money or assets,
💥 like… a lot.
💥 like… 4am energy +
💥 birth day texts +
💥 entire message blocks
💥 now withheld under
💥 the fifth amendment
🗽🦅🤠🏈🫡 ✨
because
they might be
🔥 self-incriminating
🔥 kind of “a lot.”
🔥 like,
literally
23 messages
🔥 on the day i had a c-section.
yes,
the ones
they can’t show
in court because…
💥✨crime-adjacent content✨💥.
OK
and while
i’m being sliced open
on a table—
💥 getting strangled
💥 and punched repeatedly!
and
she’s privately
engaged with
💥 my chronically cheating husband??
💥 while she’s allegedly…
💥 legally handling my policies?
are y’all awake?
soooo:
✦ sending private messages FOR YEARS
✦ hosting him at her house
✦ giving him money
✦ collecting my sensitive data
✦ handling onboarding without telling me
…how the actual ownership is being assigned
and magically… after all of this...
✨the broke guy
with no job
and no premiums
magically becomes
the policy owner✨
and there’s
🙂 no written explanation of why.
🙂 no authorization from me.
🙂 no documented instruction.
uh oh!
so…
✨i, the pregnant human wallet,
become just the monthly donor✨
✨and nobody can explain
how that happened✨
🫧 just girl math, i guess? 💅
no email trail.
no legal justification.
💀 just vibes,
💀 late-night convos,
💀 mystery transactions,
💀 his location at her apartment
💀 and the constitutionally protected silence
💀 of reps who now can't explain anything
💀 without needing their own lawyer.
—
and if
you're wondering:
💖 “maybe it’s just a coincidence!”
babe…
the whole timeline
is one giant
coincidence crime scene.
✨but yes,
tell me again
how this was
totally professional✨
or legal!
🐀💫
…
short answer with legally correct grammar:
decisions about my policies and money were made through private communication with my spouse, not with me. i was pregnant, financially supporting the household, and excluded from key ownership decisions. those decisions benefitted the person i was funding. and the people defending them now can’t explain what happened without invoking the fifth amendment.
