yule shoot your eye out, ✨babe. 🦌🛷🎄

it’s late.
👤💭
i finally
got her to wind down.
the condo is quiet
in that way
that only happens
when a little kid
finally gives up
the fight against sleep.

🦌🛷✨

i’m looking
at the last few presents
i still need to wrap.
thinking about tomorrow.
and the next day.
and christmas last year.

☕️⛄️🎄⭐️

last year?
i tried to pull off
an epic christmas 🎁🎅🏽🎄💫
for her
completely alone.
✨🧸🎄
like go big or go home
because✨
i have this feeling
no one else is coming energy.

and shit.

no one did.

✨not friends.
✨not family.
✨not people i’d known for three decades.

i mean, wait—
my mom
and stepdad
stopped by 🚗💨
to open some presents.

🧣🎁🎅🏽

but mostly?
we were alone.
all day. 🎄💫

and
honestly.
as i sat there
with my baby,
no idea where her father was,
🚶‍♂️💭
not knowing
he was already building
an alternate fucking life
somewhere else—
with some random-ass kids 🔥👏🏻💫
that are not his,
🎄🎁🦌🍫✨
and
i remember thinking:

✨🙏🏻

i don’t want this to be forever.
i don’t want it
to just be me
and her
against the world,
🕯 alone,
🕯 always.

i’ve always felt alone.

🎄🏠🚫👫🏽

—

but this year?
i didn’t try to hide
the loneliness so much.
✨no cookie decorating party for no one,
✨no santa suits that nobody ever wears—
✨no presents for people that don’t fucking show up.

—

yo.
not because
✨🙏🏻 🎄🏠🚫
i care less —
nah.
because i
literally 🔥🔥
couldn’t afford 🥂💫
to rebuy 🛍️💳💸
christmas decorations
for the fourth time.
🎅🎄❄️☃️🎁🦌
most of what
i already bought💫
with love 🫶🏻💓
and the last
of my goddamn money, 🙏✨🕊️
is sitting in a basement 🍃
in new jersey,
untouched,
like a time capsule
of a life i was erased from.

✨🪦✨

not that y’all
care about that.

🛒🛍️🏷️💳💸🧾🤔

—

so—
we improvised.
we made little traditions.
we stayed close to
the people
who showed up for us
for no fucking reason
other than decency.

🔥🔥🔥

and yo,
the absence is loud.
the absence of her real family.
the absence of—
🕯grandparents,
🕯aunts & uncles,
🕯a goddamn dad💫
who could care
but would rather
deny accountability
hard enough
to avoid it
all together.

🎁💥

—

yeah,
some gifts came
in the mail.
🛒🛍️💫
✨the grandmas✨
that does count.
but guess what?
presence counts more. 💫

🎀🫶🏻💌💓

she deserves warmth.
she deserves a room
full of people
who can’t wait to see her
little face light up.💫

she deserves
a family 👏🏻
that shows up
without being begged.

—

but don’t worry.

i will make sure
she has joy.
i will make sure
she has magic.
🎄🎅🏻🦌☃️❄️💫
i will make sure
she never feels unwanted.

but i need
to say this out loud,
because pretending otherwise
is goddamn bullshit:

everyone else should be fucking ashamed of themselves.💫

y’all are tripping,

you didn’t just let me down.
you let this little girl down too.

and that’s fucked.

👏🏻🔥🔥🔥

…

merry christmas.

🎄🎁💥💫