what i think

here are my thoughts.

…

✨ i think my husband’s dad died when he was two.

✨ i think my husband has always felt profoundly alone.

✨ i think my husband has carried a vacancy inside himself for as long as he can remember.

✨ i think my husband volunteered to serve the united states.

✨ i think my husband signed up and achieved the position of an elite special forces army ranger.

✨ i think my husband became a paramedic in syria
and watched human beings dismembered
and blown the fuck apart.
💥💫🩸🔥

✨ i think my husband deployed to afghanistan
and witnessed mass death
and participated in state-sanctioned assassinations
of a sacredly counted number of people.
(side note: i would never throw out your shadowbox. ever. duh.)
💫⚔️🕯️🩸

✨ i think these experiences permanently fucking altered him.

✨ i think my husband sustained a traumatic brain injury
from training with heavy weapons systems
and it changed him
not intellectually
but neurologically
regulation
impulse
something quieter
and more fucking brutal.
💫🧠⚡💥

✨ i think my husband returned from war
with a measurable addiction
and a visibly haunted nervous system.

✨ i think my husband was formally fucking diagnosed with ptsd. 💖✨🦄

✨ i think my husband still managed to function just enough
despite addiction
despite trauma
to graduate from elite institutions
without completely self-fucking-destructing.
💫🎓🪖⚖️

✨ i think a specific environment
and a certain compliance department
were fucking asleep at the goddamn wheel
while every single red flag was fucking waving
that he was actively struggling with addiction.
🚨🚨🚨🛑💣🧯🙈

✨ i think my financial representative developed
an overt and unexplained emotional enmeshment
with my legal, live-in husband
while i was in my third trimester
before deciding to sign onto my family’s account
and hold my eleven-day-old newborn.
🥰✨💖🍼👶📉

✨ i think my husband is on record
during this exact period
spiraling into sex addiction and substance abuse.
🙌💯🔥

✨ i think there was maybe a five-second window
right after we got married
where my husband genuinely attempted sobriety.

✨ i think a certain financial institution
and several individuals
threw fucking gasoline on our lives
and struck the goddamn match.
⛽🔥🔥🔥💥🏦

✨ i think the outcome was me
financially fucking annihilated
nearly dead
and left alone
with our beautiful, perfect child.
🩸📉🖤👩‍👧✨

—

i goddamn
know 💡✨
i liked him better
when he was fucking sober.

that is a fact.

—

that’s what i fucking think.
that’s all i have to goddamn say.

amen.

🕊️🔥