one nut dropped the collective IQ by 80 points 🤡🍼✨
hypothetically!!!!
🧬🚫
—
he’s out of jail
💥 no job.
💥 no custody.
💥 no child support.
💥 no male instinct in his body.
and within like
five fucking seconds?
🚗 he’s back in a borrowed car
🛏️ laying pipe in a rental mattress
💸 using federal disability funds
to create—
💀 a new fucking dependent. 💀
yo.
jesus goddamn christ.
🚨 one hump.
🚨 one high-pitched squeal.
🚨 zero strategic planning.
and
somehow—
natural selection
took a goddamn smoke break.
⛓️🍆🤦♂️
—
bro.
you dropped
the collective IQ
of your bloodline
by at least 80 points
in one post-jail nut & cry.
📆💦🧬
—
but like, honey—
🍼🥴📉
as a concerned family member —
statistically?
💉 0.2% of pregnant women still use cocaine
🍼 8.4% still drink
💀 and both together?!?!
babe!!!
they form
cocaethylene —
a neurotoxic,
cardiotoxic baby-shaker metabolite
that’s literally detectable in amniotic fluid.
…
like hypothetically!!!
🧾🤡⚖️
just,
fun facts.
😈
—
but brad—
briguy—
dickbrain—
goddamn,
doesn’t feel like
this shit was
a planned pregnancy.
this shit was
a psychotic warning
from the CDC in real time.
🔥 low birth weight? fucking probably.
🔥 neurodevelopmental deficits? highly likely.
🔥 can’t eat, sleep, or console?
yeah,
welcome to
console parenting mode:
cocaine edition™.
—
fuck—
💀 this wasn’t a love story.
💀 this was a post-jail spiral
💀 with a cortisol spike
💀in a fucking rental unit.
and
when that
high-pitched
newborn cry hits?
yes sweetie—
HYPOTHETICALLY,
that shit’s not colic…
that’s motherfucking withdrawal
🖕🥺✨
from
a douchebag
who seems to think
being “a veteran” excuses
🔥 war crimes against
🔥 the whole goddamn
🔥 fucking gene pool.
—
📣 high key,
when the fetus
already qualifies
for a
plan of safe care
in texas
and hasn’t
even crowned yet???
🤡🍼✨
—
how tf.
how the actual fuck
did this become
a frat-level science experiment
sponsored by
wife beaters and vibes???
🫠🙏
like—
how tf
are you
out here building
a fuck-ass second family
with a controlled-substance subplot???
💀💨👶
—
for fucksake—
you think
texas courts
are gonna look
at a man
on felony DV bond
with a pregnant girlfriend
+ zero custody contact
and say:
“yes,
father of the
fucking year material.
let him manage the GI Bill cash.”
nah.
they’re gonna
put his sperm
in fucking timeout.
and
maybe
exhume
his goddamn
license to parent.
retroactively.
🎉📉🍼
