vocabulary quiz for people who evaluate my sanity (open-book, still failed) 📝💀

subtitle: are we fr right now or am i in a ✨group hallucination✨

or…
how to feign confusion 101;

like,
am i tripping???????
ok so here’s
the glossary no one asked for…

y’all, these are
the “coded-terms”???????

—

let’s run through—

✦ 🧃 “off-channel activity”

noun
definition:
any communication about client business
outside your firm’s approved system.
texting. dms. carrier pigeon. whatever.

you:

“we don’t understand what this phrase means ☹️”

also you:

✨ wrote compliance memos about it
✨ sent reps to trainings on it
✨ got sued by the SEC for doing it
✨ used this exact term in public filings

so.
like.
did y’all forget?

🧠 level of difficulty: it’s in your job description.
🫣 vibes: “we plead the fifth on having internet access.”

—

✦ 🤰🏼 “peri-partum signatures”

adj + noun combo
definition:
when you send a woman paperwork to sign
while she’s actively recovering from childbirth.

you read this and went,

“what could this possibly mean???”

my brother in christ.
that is the OB word.
from the OB packet.
at the OB hospital.
that you collected records from.

like. is no one in the office… aware that childbirth is a medical event?

📆 what it meant: “you sent paperwork while i was still wearing mesh underwear.”
🔎 what you could’ve done: literally ask a nurse. or open any Mayo Clinic page.

—

✦ 💊 “missing medication counts”

noun
definition:
when pills go missing. like… poof. gone.
we’re talking math. subtraction. very advanced.

i said:

“medication went missing.”

you said:

“but what does that mean 😵‍💫”

are… are y’all good?

did your entire legal education
just collapse under the weight of basic arithmetic?

this is not a riddle. this is:

1. count pills ✨

2. notice there are fewer ✨

3. consider whether someone snorted them mid-client pitch ✨

🧮 what it is: observable loss
🪞 what it reflects: y’all really said “she’s using numbers??”

—

✦ 📊 “broker-dealer footprints”

noun
definition:
the little trail of regulatory crumbs
you leave when you walk like a broker-dealer,
quack like a broker-dealer,
and then try to say you’re just vibes and insurance.

you said:

“we don’t know what this means”

okay but y’all are… literally a broker-dealer.
✨ you pitched me accounts.
✨ you held my financial info.
✨ you accepted a rollover.
✨ you assigned a registered rep.

so if this is confusing,
the only question is
who the hell do you think you are???
and also—who did your FINRA audit?

👣 meaning: the paper trail that says “this is a BD firm.”
📚 where to look: your own damn onboarding packet.

—

✦ 🧱 “cementing the advisor channel”

verb phrase
definition:
locking in the rep. assigning control.
no take-backs, no client access, no actual ethics.

✨ you used this term.
✨ you.

i didn’t invent this.
i didn’t write it on a post-it and staple it to my forehead.
this is your internal vocabulary.

and now suddenly it’s too complex to parse?
like oh no, the metaphor got too spicy??

👷‍♂️ what it meant: you locked in a rep, gave them control, and left me out.
📓 where to find it: your sales training slides. the ones with bullet points.

—

✦ 🕵️ “post-recusal surveillance”

noun
definition:
when someone is removed from your case for conflict
but still watches your content like a bored ex on private.

you:

“we don’t understand this phrasing”

also you:

✨ recused goblin
✨ then let her monitor my private content with removal notice
✨ then referenced it indirectly in conduct

i mean…
what part is throwing you off?
“post”? “recusal”? or the part where
she kept lurking after you said she was off my file?

sir, we directly spoke of this—
human-to-human in a meeting.

but ok.

🪩 translation: stalking… but with HR paperwork attached.

—

✦ ⚠️ “conflicted channels”

noun
definition:
a rep or advisor who has a personal/financial conflict
of interest that would make a compliance officer scream.

you said:

“this seems ambiguous”

okay. let’s play a game.
if the advisor:

✨ sent money to my husband
✨ had access to my medical info
✨ deleted instagram messages with me during a complaint hold

…

is that person…
a) neutral
b) ethically sound
c) conflicted

ding ding ding.
see? you do know the answer.

—

✦ 📉 “ledger and damages narrative”

noun
definition:
a list of what i paid, what y’all took, and how you f*cked around and found out.

you said:

“we’re unclear on this”

ok but like.
you’ve filed those.
in court.
for clients.

a ledger is a list.
a damages narrative is what each line item represents.

this isn’t a puzzle.
this is a chart.
like excel. but with consequences.

📉 what it is: itemized harm
🤦‍♀️ what you’re pretending it is: a secret language invented by me and lexisnexis

—

✦ 🫥 “silent control shifts”

noun
definition:
when you change who owns,
controls,
or can access a policy
without telling the person still funding it.

you:

“this is vague”

also you:

✨ changed ownership
✨ removed me as beneficiary
✨ blocked portal access
✨ never said a word

so like… was it not silent enough??
or too silent for you to remember doing it?

📬 what it means: changing control without telling the person still paying
💡 what it looks like: fraud. it looks like fraud.

—

✦ 🚑 “documented stimulant crashes”

noun
definition:
when someone spirals off adderall/coke and there’s proof.
screenshots. chaos locations. can’t drive. crash-and-burn energy.

you said:

“we don’t know what that means 🥺”

my guy.
you’ve got:

✨ the missing pills
✨ the chaos texts
✨ the timeline of him spiraling while working for your firm

and you don’t know what a stimulant crash looks like??
are you sure you even read the complaint??

🧾 what it means: he crashed. i documented it. you pretended not to notice.

—

✦ 🚫 “dv-protected person”

noun
definition:
someone with a court-issued protection order due to domestic violence.

you said:

“unclear phrasing”

courts and dv guides literally
call the survivor the “protected party”
or “protected person” under a protection order.

🛡 translation: i’m literally protected by
two court orders. y’all rerouted control anyway.

—

✦ 🩺 “MHQ restarts”

noun
definition:
when you fumble the application process
and make the client redo the Medical History Questionnaire
because you ghosted the first one.

…

you’re confused by MHQ
which stands for…
Medical History Questionnaire
which is what you made me fill out.
twice.

this is your own form.
your own acronym.
from your own pipeline.

but now it’s “unrecognizable”?
ok. unplug the fax machine and try again.

—

✦ 🪖 “pitches for transferring of the GI Bill”

noun
definition:
the thing your rep said when they tried to use military benefits
as bait to get me to bankroll your broke-ass recruit.

you said:

“we don’t understand what this refers to”

also you:

told me i could use your new recruits GI Bill for law school
said this job would “secure that future”
looped me into the pitch

so again.
i didn’t make that up.
you said that. out loud. to me.
you pitched it. i just… remembered.

🎖 what it means: a sales pitch built on my husband’s military status
😵 what it reveals: y’all were recruiting with federal benefits like it was a loyalty program

—

🧠 closing remarks

i just need to ask—
genuinely,
sincerely,
baby law-student-to-counselor—

what is going on here?????

because i used your firm’s own language
regulator-defined terms
and literal medical acronyms from your own files

and y’all acted like i submitted the enigma code.

so now it’s saturday
and instead of making
fucking flashcards for constitutional law,
i’m sitting here defining terms you created
like i’m the TA in a continuing education course
none of you passed.

i’m not mad.
i’m just deeply, profoundly, spiritually confused.

🖤

or;

burn book: glossary edition
aka: the weekend i spent explaining your own job to you, for free