✨professional development 101✨ (adultery & theft). ❄️👃🏻😵‍💫💳📈📉

aka: babe, the only thing he closed was my fucking checking account

—

somebody’s son:

✨😵‍💫💳✨

“hey babe—
i know i’ve been
grinding in the office
40+ hours a week,
telling you tens of thousands
are coming in,
promising i’ll cover
health insurance
through the reserves,
plus that $10k signing bonus,
plus i’ll sponsor your last two years of law school
with my remaining G.I. Bill credit…
so just keep funding me,
alright?
i promise,
the money is coming.
✨🐍💵💨
look!
i’m so busy
with all these
professional financial women,
who are actively
collecting your private financial,
medical records—
and energetically advising you.
but babe!—
i’m with my whole fucking onboarding team,
i’m with senior reps!
[name, name, name, name]
and these constant meetings—
are fucking killing me.
so,
give me your paid-off car,
spend thousands buying another
we absolutely can’t afford—
pay for my gas,
insurance,
meals at the bar,
coffee with coworkers,
and every expense,
while i commute
2.5 hours a day
to ‘the office’
your entire pregnancy.

✨🤥💸👋🏻

but hey.
i just left
another one of my
regular,
private,✨
closed-door meetings✨
with my
[hmmmmmm]

i know
i like to
constantly complain about
this person…
but hey,
sweetie—
they’re just ‘so senior,’
’so supervisory,’
so fucking experienced,
so goddamn pivotal to my success—
that babe,
i still go in—
everyday…
your full pregnancy.

but shit,
they can’t seem
to help me close
a single policy—
in months…
not even my fucking family,
or my in-laws,
who are
currently—
✨waiting for onboarding.✨

⚠️⛓️👤⚠️

…and even though
i’m actively beating your ass
and draining your life savings,
+ entire fucking tuition fund,

⚠️

✨…could i extort some more
of that Schedule II medication ??✨

⚠️

—because babe!
you’re pregnant,
i’m punching you,
you’re cleaning houses daily—
you don’t need it!

⚠️

(lol btw i also just pocketed
large quantities of the same meds…
from your lock-box
to clearly ✨trade. ✨
but babe,
i only go one place!
and it’s professional!)

✨⚠️💊🤝🏻❄️🤤👀✨

honey,
i’m so exhausted—
from all the private
✨mentoring sessions✨
with zero production, ⚠️
zero clients, ⚠️
zero fucking anything. ⚠️

six months in.
shit,
nothing but energy drinks,
nothing but pure fucking resolve,
some egregious-ass lies,
and some fucking
‘professional development.’

🍳🧠✨

and then,
obviously,
i’ll swing by
that undisclosed location
where i park
your fucking vehicle…
everyday—
12–15 minutes away
from the office
for no fucking reason.”
🕷️🩷🕸️💋❄️🤤✨

shit y’all,
this looks
a little fucking peculiar.
huh?

🔥

fucking tragically—
based on records, geolocations, and other data logs.