lead counsel or lead chaos? the paul paradox 😐👏

aka: paul v. paul: a legal thriller no one asked for ⚖️

—

bro.
are you okay?

like mentally, emotionally, ethically
okay?

call your mom.
one of those sisters.
phone a friend with morality—
for real.
bro,
let’s run some of those
what would jesus do scenarios.

…

homie,
what the fuck
is this bullshit???

let’s review
the narrative collapse—

in september
bro is like:

“hi 😊 i’m now
the only bitch
you should be emailing
😊 send all
questions, motions, thoughts, prayers
directly to fucking me 😊”

cool!
so glad
we established a channel!
can’t wait to
never get a straight
fucking answer again!

bro,
but then
october rolls in
and he starts throwing around
5-hour deadlines
like i work at his fucking firm.
my guy
is really out here like:

“we must meet at 4pm today or
the court might spontaneously fucking combust”

meanwhile it’s
literally my class night
and i have a toddler
eating a goddamn crayon
in the fucking background.

but sure bro,
i mean counselor.

let me drop everything
to honor your made-up google fucking calendar.

then november…
oh baby,
fucking november.
my guy is suddenly
the defense team
head cheer squad captain.

bro is already like—

“sam,
we do not fuck w this amended complaint.
like,
everyone’s
gunna file motions
against you
in goddamn synchronicity—
without even communicating with you,
at fucking all…
just so you fucking know, girly”

word.
okie doke.

and then
bro literally emailed
on behalf of
co-counsel carter
about filing timelines.
yo. spoke for him.
once again
in my inbox.

...and then?
i send
my email
the night before
with a clear,
chill deadline
“hey, hit me up by 11am”
(honestly sounder energy than he always uses)
and
this dude
has the wisconsin audacity to say:

“well it was night-time... and you didn’t email everyone” 😐

lol.

…like,
three business days
after speaking for…
this whole legal clown car
he hit me with—

“actually i can’t speak for them” 😐

sir.

excuse me??
what the fuck happened?
did the group chat turn on you?
did someone get voted off the goddamn island?

nah.
nope.
you’re in-house.

and now
he’s salty
i didn’t get
separate written consent
from every individual lawyer…
who opposes this shit in writing????

reconfirmed by my dude
before filing??
when those lawyers
LITERALLY
don’t respond.
because…

they speak through him.

what are we even doing here???

paul. sweetie.

you cannot be the bouncer
and then get mad
i didn’t climb in through
the fucking bathroom window.

the fuck??

yo.
fine,
let’s do this for years.
idgaf.

because this is dumb as fuck.

like hi.
i included the actual email chain
where i said:
“hey! just circling the fuck back! i have to refile this! hit me by 11am!”

aka after 1pm your time.

you know—exactly like you do to me.
minus the fucking toddler??
and you just… fucking ghosted??
and now
you’re pretending my motion
is invalid
because i didn’t mind-read
your sudden refusal
to do your job?

and speak for fucking…everyone??
on something already
fucking decided
in unison?

what the fuck
is the goddamn
job description here?

civil procedure and bullshit??

okie doke.
cool.

👍✨

like, so sketch.

buddy,
this is not litigating.
this is some
legal fuckshit with a bar card.

summary?
the man,
the myth,
the fucking plot twist.

like,
could we argue
over the fucking merits???

instead of the goddamn email chain???

homie.
this is peak weaponized confusion.
because y’all know
idk what the fuck is going on.
obviously.
without
8 fucking hours
of catching the fuck up—
to what y’all
already know is bullshit
from year two
of goddamn law school.

fuck.
yo—
you just wanna make me fucking exhausted.
what in the—
run in legal clown circles
is this shit???

but nah.

no. no. no.
my dude went from
“speak only to me” → “i never said that”
faster than a finance bro
deleting texts mid-divorce.
yo.
someone get this man
a consistent fucking narrative.
or a hobby??
shit.

✨