title: emergency contact

people will really watch you drown—
quietly, from ten minutes away.
joint in hand.
good intentions;
but mostly
ungrounded vibes.

“we’ll help.”
“we’ve got you.”
“you’re not alone.”
no really, it’s fine.
i believed you.

until the logistics started breaking.
until the absence got louder than the support.
until you knew exactly what i needed and still didn’t ask.

you kept swinging by,
but never when it counted.
and never without making sure i knew
you were soooo busy.
already on your way somewhere more important.

and the messed up part?
i was still glad you came.
because yeah—
you know i’m doing all of this alone
with a toddler, a dog, and a disaster.
and adult contact—
felt like a miracle.

but now i look back and think:
that was never real support.
that was optics.
drive-by solidarity with a guilt-free exit plan.

you texted, though.
so.
we’re good.

it’s not even the missed support.
it’s the math not mathing.

you said you’d help me rebuild.
said you’d ask around.
said you’d put something in writing—
easy.
you saw what i was dealing with.
you saw me.
and then the thing came and went,
and i’m already sitting there,
shaking,
waiting for basic shit that never came.
but yeah—
go off.

“so proud of you.”

felt super seen.
really.

i crawled out of hell
and came back to damage
and dirt you left behind.
lost real cashflow because
“down to help”
turned into
“doing you a solid.”

you showed up
to smoke.
to talk.
to vent.
to get your lil refill.
but never to actually help.

(like yo—can i check the mail homie?)

and even when i paid you—
for bullshit.
for labor.
for cleaning up messes that weren’t mine—
you still acted like i should’ve left a tip
for the inconvenience.

i don’t know.
maybe it’s on me for thinking friendship meant access both ways.
but you keep your life locked up so tight,
i didn’t even clock how irrelevant i was in it.
the pit stop.
the mirror.
the backdrop.

never even met your core people—
wasn’t a coincidence,
was it?

but it’s clear now.
you liked the aesthetic of being there for me.
you just never planned on actually doing it.

(shout out to the ones that did show up;
even if we were strangers,
even if we weren’t that close.
even if we hadn’t talked in years.
you fucking saved me.)