the static of childhood.

when you try to remember
and all that comes up
is violence—
you stop trying.

not to forget.
just to function.

your brain learns
to look away
before the image forms.
before the scream
has space to land.

and over time,
the memories don’t hurt.
they just fade.

not to peace.
just absence.
not to heal.
just deletion.

the black void of childhood
isn’t nothingness.
it’s static.
flashes.

i see glimpses of laughing.
then—
a bottle of soda
poured over your head at dinner.
you just sat there.

i remember your finger.
bent the wrong way.
i remember not reacting.
just watching.

the entire time
trying to be invisible.

we were locked in one room for a year.
pull-out bed.
foam mat on the floor.
i turned ten in that room.
we thought if we stayed together
you couldn’t get us.
we were wrong.

i didn’t forget.
i just didn’t look.
i trained my brain
not to finish the thought.

like—
you kicked the dog
so many times
we had to bury it.
but i didn’t remember that
until my thirties.

because i didn’t want to.

i remember the shelter.
the rv.
your condo.
the bedroom door open.
me and my sibling
just staring.
not speaking.

i remember the roof.
because locking my door wasn’t enough.
you’d scream about something downstairs
and i’d know—
i had minutes
before you came up
to destroy me.

the cops came.
all the time.
and left.

i remember wanting you to die.
i meant it.
i was a child.
and i meant it.

but what i don’t remember?

i don’t remember my teachers.
i don’t remember friends.
i don’t remember playing.
i don’t remember
anything
that made me a kid.

just flashes.
snow.
christmas.
forts.
but it’s haunted.
because it always turns.

people think forgetting
means healing.
means it couldn’t have been that bad.
nah.
i remember the bad.
i just don’t remember the normal.
the boring.
the safe.

and that’s worse.

you didn’t just damage me.
you stole the whole foundation.

and people love to say
move on.
it was a long time ago.
like i’m supposed to wake up
with a new nervous system.

like i’m not out here
trying to grow
with no roots.
just trauma
and bad vibes
that used to make me shake.

other people got to build a life.
some of us just had to survive ours.
not the same thing.