intention deficit disorder 💀

ok like—
help me out here y’all.
(i’m serious)

i’m genuinely trying to understand
how people can move through life
with this bizarre skillset
of saying emotionally intimate shit
they don’t even slightly stand by.

like seriously,
i don’t think you realize
i logically cannot wrap my head around
the cognitive dissonance of that.

like
genuinely
can someone explain to me
how people have entire hidden motives
and don’t short-circuit from the sheer cognitive load of that??

like bro
i say what i mean
and i mean what i say
not because i’m above-it or evolved or whatever
but because i literally cannot keep track
of a fake personality
plus my real one
plus the logistics of daily survival

if i told you i cared—
i meant it
if i let you in,
it wasn’t a test
i wasn’t trying to manipulate you into staying
i just actually fuckin liked you
and thought maybe this would be safe

so when people say one thing
and then actively do the opposite
i’m like
bro.
genuinely.
what was the plan?
like was it a game?
did you win?
was the goal to get close to me just to dip??
congrats i guess?

like i am trying—
truly trying—
(this is a generalization)
to comprehend how someone
can look you dead in the eye
say “i love you,”
and be actively drafting their
fuck around and find out chaos
or dumpster fire of an exit strategy—
the same fucking second.
like…
did you dissociate mid-sentence or are you just evil?

my guy—
i’m sitting here like
a tired ass bitch with a toddler
a police dog drop-out and a google calendar
trying to figure out
why the people who swear they fuck with me
keep moving like kanye post–vma interruption
loud, chaotic, and not about me actually

like bro.
i’m not taylor.
you don’t get to hijack my stage
say you care
then bounce
leaving me to accept an award
for surviving shit you induced

and this isn’t even romantic at this point
this is across the fucking board
family, friends, people who “wanna help,”
people who “care so much,”
and then completely fuck you
or ghost harder than my serotonin every time the
delusion disintegrates

and bro, truly—
it’s not that i’m out here on some high-road saint shit
it’s just like
i don’t have the neurological capacity
for multilayered interpersonal deceit.

it is actually confusing to me.
because why not just—
disengage?
not waste energy fucking with people?

because honestly—

you think i’m scheming?
babe i’m googling “is it normal to forget to eat and also cry while folding laundry”
i’m maxed out.
i don’t have a secret folder of false identities.
this is it.
this is the whole presentation.

if i love you, you’ll know it.
if i’m mad, you’ll hear it.
if i say “i care,” it’s not a pr stunt.
it’s because i meant it with my whole unhinged little chest

so when people say shit they never plan to keep solid—
like “i’m not going anywhere”
then dip harder than jay-z during the diddy trial.
i’m just like
ok.
cool.
so yeah
if you told me one thing
and then did the complete opposite
i’m not mad
i’m just… confused.
like deadass.
because…
what was the reason?
why even say it??

it breaks my heart
and honestly, it’s giving:
“i love you but only if it costs me nothing”
”i was always trying to manipulate you”
“i’ll always be here” (except when you’re sobbing)
”you matter to me” (until i get challenged or uncomfortable)

and it’s not even that deep anymore
i’m not spiraling
i’m just looking around like
bro. seriously?
was this your plan??
this??

idk

seems unfulfilling.
i’m just sitting here
blank-faced
asking the universe:
why?

like did it make you feel powerful
to pretend you were safe for me?
did you just wanna get the behind-the-scenes access
before lighting a fire and dipping??
did you just wanna feel something?

—you practice your exit in advance?

because.
yo. be serious.
i know i’m intense
but i’m consistent.
and it’s wild that
me—trauma-coded,
adhd fried,
hanging by one thread of executive function—
is somehow the most honest bitch in the room.

idk man
maybe y’all are built different.
maybe your capacity for false intimacy is
a feature, not a bug.

maybe y’all are the intelligent ones.

but over here?
i’m incapable of pretending
i physically cannot perform affection i don’t feel
it would be mentally exhausting,
feel unproductive—
and i refuse to buy-in
to this casual intentional cruelty
y’all pass off as standard.

it’s weird.

so yeah.
i’m perplexed.
not raging.
just genuinely, neurologically
and spiritually
confused as fuck

i meant what i said.
and you didn’t.
and apparently
that was the intention.

odd af.