welcome to the: “did you eat glitter glue or just sabotage yourself?” academy 🍎✏️📚
🧃🧃🧃
yo
everyone take a seat on the rug
gather the fuck up, children
i’m about to put
the whole circle time
on suicide watch
no sippy cups
no emotional support blankies
snacks down
eyes up
it’s time for:
“how to not absolutely shit yourself
when you recognize your own dumbassery
in a post that probably isn’t about you—
but go off and out yourself,
like a clown.”
aka: 🪞😭
babe—
if you feel exposed,
🚩🚩🚩
that’s your conscience
bitch-slapping you in public.
now quiet down,
let’s begin.
🧃🍪💀
let’s start real simple
since half of y’all
are out here
acting like
you’re in witness protection
like this is a full-blown
rorschach for trolls
🧙♂️🧙♂️🧙♂️
i drop a line about
“liars and cowards”
and suddenly
you’re in my
phone logs,
emails,
dms:
acting like you just got called
to the principal’s office
if you feel
✨ personally attacked by a post✨
with zero names,
zero details,
and zero fucks given
i’m gonna need you to raise your hand
and go sit in the
🎯 “guilty as fuck”
time-out corner
right next to the kid
who bit someone
because your ego
has fucking rabies, babe.
🔊 internal alarms are going off like:
if a post about someone acting shady
hits you in the guilty spot
and your first instinct is
“holy shit, she’s talking about me”
congrats!
you just outed yourself
to your own infant-level ego
that’s right
i didn’t even name you,
detective gremlin 🥸🕵️♂️
but your dumb ass hopped right in
like “hey, is this seat taken?
i brought my own fucking guilt!”
💀
see,
what you’re experiencing
is called
“pattern recognition for toddlers”
🏆🏆🏆
or as i like to call it:
the
🔊🤡 “oh fuck, she sees me” 🔊🤡 syndrome.
it goes like this:
you lie
you hide
i post something about lies and hiding
you sweat so hard you could refill the kiddie pool
you text your mom like “yo, am i a villain??”
you binge-read everything i post, looking for secret messages 🔬🧪🧬
warning: plot disclosure:
lab results in,
diagnosis:
terminal clownery.
no cure.
🍿🤡🎪
yo, are you okay?
are you hydrated?
because you are sweating so hard
over a post you “didn’t even read”
that your phone is water-damaged
i didn’t even shade you
but here you are
spiraling
like i hacked your diary
and faxed it to your therapist
💀
like,
holy shit
why are y’all so triggered
by words you claim
are not about you?
i say “cowards”
and you hear:
“your full government name
and last 4 digits of your social”
🥷🫥
girl.
i’m just out here
documenting survival,
making literary memes
out of savage trauma—
and y’all are out here
taking the SATs for self-owns
filling in every answer:
🐸 “me, i’m the problem, it’s me.” 🐸
y’all have the audacity
to act offended
when my realest flex
was not even remembering
the unique way you fucked me—
until you slid in the commentaries
doing emotional jazz hands
like ✨“she’s exposing my soul!!”✨
aka: 🪞🧟♂️
no bitch
you’re exposing yourself 🔦
i’m just sitting here,
bored,
unfazed,
eating goldfish
and watching you
re-enact your own descent
like a toddler
tripping on their shoelaces 🤾♂️
literally—
it’s giving
“where’s waldo”
except you’re waldo!
and the only reason you see yourself
is because you’re literally
walking around
in a little red-and-white striped lie
🤯🙅♂️🧠
it’s honestly disarming
watching y’all try to
reverse-engineer my feelings
like i’m out here dropping
epic level fucking riddles
for your inner cryptkeeper
squinting at my words
👁️👄👁️
like you’re about to win
a national spelling bee for emotional avoidance
trying to crack the da vinci code of
✨“maybe don’t act like an insufferable toddler”✨
as if this is high-level math
as if i’m hiding a map
to my feelings inside
a fucking sudoku puzzle
babe,
you’re not deciphering
ancient alphabets—
but here you are,
in the lab,
test tubes out
mixing up formulas
🧪🥼🔬🧬
trying to figure out
why i’m such a bitch.
it’s not advanced, babe
this isn’t AP trauma
this is coloring book shit
like baby,
you could’ve just
🥇not been an emotional goblin🥇
but nah.
and you know what’s
truly fucking wild?
i would have given you:
a juice box
and a nap
and a “try again tomorrow, champ”
if you’d just acted right
but instead you chose
full on gremlin mode 🧟♂️🦖
and now every time i post,
you get flashbacks
to that one time
you fumbled the bag so hard
you could never feel love again
🥀
so yeah
sit criss-cross applesauce
take your accountability snack
and try not to shit yourself next time
someone posts a sentence
with the word “liar” in it
🧸 pro tip:
if you want to stop spiraling every time
a baddie writes about betrayal
maybe just…
don’t…
fuck with people?
i know,
revolutionary
but hey,
i believe in you
gremlins can heal too
but only after naptime
🍎✏️📚
xoxo
circle time’s over
go cry in the hallway
goblin.
