“how to lose a man in 5 frauds:” the cause & effect map they didn’t want me to draw

aka: my working theory of fiduciary fuckery.

purely,
fucking
speculative.

a fucking art piece.

✨🖕🏻✨

“how to tank a marriage without even being hot”

chapter 1 — the unattractive onboarding coworker from hell (summer 2023)

• cause: my husband walks into
  a new job broke,
  newly married,
  with a pregnant wife at home.
  she walks in with daddy’s money,
  ivy league credentials,
  and a “pick me” hunger
  that could swallow the whole building.
  private alumni events,
  late-night “work meet-ups”
  at her fucking apartment.
  i’m not invited. LMFAO.

• effect: her instant,
  over-the-top private contact
  with him sets up a back channel.
  i’m not looped in,
  not given her number,
  not cc’d —
  but she’s calling/texting constantly.

• translation: she built her whole
  “work relationship” on pretending
  i didn’t exist.

chapter 2 — the first mistake (octish–dec 2023)

• cause: the first inappropriate hangout happens.
  some level of absolute
  fuckery occurs.
  maybe a hook-up.
  maybe “just” a drunk makeout.
  either way —
  fucking boundary breached.

• effect: he changes overnight.
  starts strangling,
  punching,
  sabotaging finances.
  not because he’s stressed —
  but because he knows
  if i find out,
  he’s fucking done.

• translation: violence
  as damage control
  for a fucking secret.

chapter 3 — paper trail in my name (jan 2024)

• cause: she becomes
  my official fucking fiduciary
  a week and a half
  before i give birth.
  still never calls me,
  never emails me,
  never meets me
  outside of a DM
  or auto-generated
  fucking medical form.
  don’t have her
  phone number or
  any formal contact.

• effect: i’m locked into
  contracts she controls,
  that i apparently don’t
  fucking own.
  paying for policies
  she touched,
  while she stays
  absolutely glued to him.

• translation: she onboarded me
  because she had to,
  not because she
  was ever going
  to do the fucking job.

chapter 4 — the dangling hook (feb 2024–oct 2024)

• cause: even when we move
  thousands of miles
  away from her,
  she keeps a line open —
  constant calls/texts
  only to him,
  in private.
  job leads,
  and NYC
  “meet my daddy” invitations.
  straight embarrassing
  us in front of mutuals.
  like, girl what?
  why are you in constant
  private communications
  with my legal husband,
  while we raise
  our fucking newborn?

• effect: if she hooked up
  with him
  while i was
  fucking pregnant,
  she’s now using
  that history
  as fucking leverage.
  she makes sure
  he never forgets
  she fucking exists —
  or that
  she knows something.

• translation: she wasn’t
  just persistent,
  she was fucking strategic.

chapter 5 — the almost happy summer (mid-2024)

• cause: we leave colorado.
  she’s not
  in the same fucking
  room every day.

• effect: beach days.
  soccer games.
  nfg concerts.
  we almost feel
  like a family again.

• translation: our marriage
  only breathed
  when she was physically
  fucking out of range —
  but her phone number
  still reached him.
  constantly.

chapter 6 — the camper and the call (late summer 2024)

• cause: i start law school prep.
  we plan to live in a camper
  to save fucking money.
  he’s absolutely
  all about it.
  so fucking excited.
  but i’m busy
  and studying constantly.
  she senses weakness
  and slides in harder.

• effect: he freezes up,
  turns cold,
  starts looking at me
  like a fucking problem again.

• translation: she doesn’t
  even need to be
  in the fucking room
  to shit on our marriage.

chapter 7 — the restraining order & the runaway (oct–nov 2024)

• cause: i finally push him out.
  he’s being erratic,
  but is already talking about
  ”coming home”
  he’s legit scary so —
  i slap a final
  restraining order on him.

• effect: within ~four weeks,
  she quits her job,
  leaves colorado,
  goes back to NYC,
  zero notice.
  still online surveilling.
  i still think
  she’s my fucking
  fiduciary.

• translation: she didn’t run
  from fear.
  she’s so pathetic,
  she ran toward
  perceived opportunity.

chapter 8 — the stalker era (late 2024–mid 2025)

• cause: she keeps watching
  my social media
  fucking daily
  while never speaking to me,
  still keeping
  some channel
  with him alive.

• effect: she gets to monitor
  my fucking life
  and keep contact with him,
  post-job,
  post-firm.
  post-fucking-apocalypse.

• translation: she didn’t leave the game,
  she just took it off company time.

chapter 9 — the $100 oops (june–july 2025)

• cause: i publicly reference
  their likely pregnancy-era affair
  (without even using her real name).

• effect: my husband sends me $100
  out of fucking nowhere —
  like i posted at 5am
  and 45 minutes later…
  ping (!!)
  his first payment since
  october 2024.

• translation: lmfao.
  hush money?
  babe, rarely comes
  in such a cheap,
  obvious fucking package.

final translation:
every high point
in my marriage
lined up with her
being out of his life.
every collapse
lined up
with her being in it.
you can call it coincidence —

i call it fucking math.