💥 yayo and handjob probabilities
aka:
how statistically and psychologically likely is it that an unnamed coworker was providing yayo and sexual favors to your hubby at peak affair time, while he was spontaneously trying to murder you and not functioning highly enough to make a single fucking sale?
💥
they would never!
come on!!!!
✨👏
bro. i truly fucking hope not.
—
anyway,
this is: ❄️ just math ❄️
not an indictment.
💫
let’s treat it like a
bayesian legal-psychological✨
probability model,
babe?
we update beliefs
or probabilities
as more evidence
becomes available.
but keep it brutal,
intuitive, ✨
and grounded in
the actual data.
—
❄️ PART 1: THE YAYO PROBABILITY (a.k.a. the ❄️ pipeline)
baseline assumption:
lets say
a random-ass dude
(no one we know)
has a verified
history of stimulant use💫
compulsive spending,
erratic behavior,
and severe fucking crashes
that correlate with
stimulant misuse.
(but he’s sober)
+
-
now add:
known inputs:
🔥 confirmed stimulant theft + tolerance = baseline stimulant-seeking behavior.
🔥 no income = no money for drugs. ❄️💫
🔥 ~$800 in $100 “cash advances” straight embezzled off wife’s credit card in one month
🔥 fails out of the reserves…🤔🤔 after his medical screening…in this precise date range 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔
🔥 sudden 5:42 AM nausea, vomiting, "felt off" + ✨left the house before dawn = textbook crash
(especially mixed with alcohol).
…but he’s sober!
+
-
🔥🔥🔥 💫
✦ no previous history of vomiting or anxiety nausea = new behavior.
✦ looks haggard af. or— lost all desire for hygiene.✨
✦ cash transfers from a grown-ass woman = financial pipeline for party favors?! 🔥
✦ office culture = “hustle energy,” endless days, commission-only
+ appearance-based = ✨yayo thrives in these environments
(factually, historically).
✦ rich white girl energy?? = ❄️city cool girl❄️,
entitled, private school, zero consequences = high cultural
comfort with casual, social !! ✨blow use.✨
✦ work?? no drug testing, no oversight + the fucking buddy system
❄️❄️ and zero goddam supervision = full enabler ecosystem.💫
inferential leap:
we’re not saying
a rich white girl was pushing
snow like goddamn frosty, but...
❄️💫
if a broke,
ex-service dude
with maybe…ADHD
and a wounded ego
walks into a “high-pressure”
pyramid scheme—
and his desk buddy
who’s sending money,💫
connections,
and a crush
because babe,
she’s insanely invested,
in our family—
slides a stimulant ❄️✨
across her private,
fucking unsupervised—
goddamn coffee table
in a cordial,
cute-ass—
“babe, this’ll help you sell today.”
and maybe…
you’d wanna—
💥🍆🍆🍆💥❄️
(but he’s sober…right????)
so…
❄️✨
maybe he’s snorting it.
and 💥 he’s 💥 coming 💥 the 💥 fuck 💥 back 💥 for 💥 more.
because
HELLO✨—
my dude
struggles with that shit.
jesus fucking christ.
you fucking wouldn’t have???
naaaaah.
fucking cool.✨
babe,
someone was clear enough
to be making sales,
—it ain’t him.
✨👏😐
(but like…he’s FUCKING sober??????!)
and they’re always together…
where-fucking-ever…
your
entire
fucking pregnancy.
💫
and he looks like
a goddamn walking zombie. 🧟✨
naaaaaaaaaah.
fuck.
he’s sober.
he’s married.
he’s living off you…
come the fuck on.
…
so estimated probability:
high. 💥
🍆 PART 2: THE HANDJOB PROBABILITY (aka: the ❝sympathy bj❞ hypothesis)
this one gets disturbing
because it overlaps with the 💥 exact window of:
✦ pregnancy violence escalation
✦ emotional manipulation
✦ financial death spiral💫
✦ multiple known lies about locations
known inputs:
✦ violently assaulted 💥💥💥
✦ dude’s out at 12am & 5am—third trimester…
✦ a professional adult is straight sending cash to a married man
✦ he then forwards some to you???
✦ as you walk out of the ER for repeated blows to the head????
✦ while she watches from instagram??????
✨👏😐
✦ confirmed: ✨bro had keys to your car, driving around, off-grid
✦ confirmed: ✨goblin was watching wife’s social media, knew about the ER
✦ confirmed: ✨goblin never once apologized, explained, or backed the fuck off
✦ confirmed: ✨goblin came inside home days after this timeline
and held our fucking newborn……………..
🔪
(let me find out any of this shit is true.)
✦
so what’s more likely?
💥
homie went to 7/11
to vomit✨
at 5:42 AM
after repeatedly violently assaulting you
with no friends,
no drugs,
no job,
no plan,
and just needed…
a fucking Slurpee?
(but he’s sober)
or…
💥💥💥
he went to
a private apartment✨
to get a line,
a blowjob,
and a pat on the head
for "surviving" his crazy pregnant wife.
❄️✨
you know the answer.
…
🤔✨
(would your brain
believe any of this shit??
—mine is goddamn short-circuiting💥)
…
babe.
come on.
he’s fucking sober,
you’re having a baby—
but…
why is he
💥 manually
💥 fucking
💥 strangling you
out of fucking nowhere.
fuck 💫
