🤡⚖️ we filed that shit anyway

(inspired by true events... and perjury??) 💫

aka: a guided tour of exactly who signed what lie, and why i’m starting to think law school might just be improv for sociopaths

🧘🏼‍♀️🪨✨

let’s
fucking
✨go.✨

[🤔]

✦ exhibit one: northwestern mutual defense team

🧑🏻‍💼 the corporate team

filed: “bro, she was never even the policy owner.”
aka: who the fuck even is this bitch???

also them:
emailed me on
feb 9, 2024
to say

“congrats girl! you just signed as policyowner :)”

👉👈😏

✨ fucking bonus?
there is zero signed transfer of ownership
from me to anyone.
they just sort of…
hoped i wouldn’t fucking notice???
is contract law a vibe now?
are pleadings moon-powered?
do we cite mercury retrograde in a footnote?

✨💖

me,
legally dead inside:
🗣️ babe.
i know i didn’t go to
milwaukee law school for fucking liars,
but did y’all
just tell the judge
i never owned the thing
you thanked me for fucking owning?
or am i confused
on how “signing a fucking contract” works?
like is it
✨ vibes ✨
now?
do we file pleadings
based on fucking astrology?

😬🧨
follow-up question:
do you genuinely not know what email is
or are you
just trying to
straight gaslight a
restraining-order-protected mother
on fucking missing food stamps
into forgetting
what “policyowner” means?

girl, what?

be honest.

✦ exhibit two: the advisor crew
(goblin’s dream team + my girl “i didn’t see shit” esquire.)

👩🏻‍💼 the “we don’t know about instagram” gang

bro, they filed:
“we have no knowledge of any off-channel communications.”

what i literally sent them:
🤫 screenshots of their rep still stalking me on IG
🤫 after she had access to my medical and financial data
and my fucking family.
🤫 and then told them the whole fucking account vanished
🤫 after i sent a litigation hold
🤫 with instructions
🤫 in writing
🤫 with fucking screenshots.

✨ …twice.✨

okie doke.
so,
this is lawyering?

fucking cool.

me, on 20 minutes of sleep,
rereading fucking Rule 37(e):
like, wait.
so y’all got
a fucking federal trigger…
and said,
“huh??
we never heard of instagram.
what’s a fucking dm?”

yo,
🗣️...🗣️ the fuck???
like this was a goddamn amish law firm?

nah. i don’t think so.

😶...

but,
remind me again:
is it normal
in this profession
to act like the internet
doesn’t fucking exist?
when you use it
for your
entire fucking trade??✨
emails?✨
e-filings?✨
babe,
you’re in my
fucking story views, too.✨
…or are y’all
just straight trippin
when your agent
deletes the fucking evidence?

and shit was…
clearly off-channel. 💫

asking for… sanctions.

✨👑✨

but hey,
wtf do i know???
maybe y’all don’t
have fucking eyeballs??
you know,
just seeing
shapes and shit,
random-ass flickers of light.
bro, seems more fucking plausible.

or,
maybe this
is just how they run
this fucking shitshow.

🤨...

✦ exhibit three: corporate ganggang

aka: does this shit—
even exist??
(nah)

👨🏻‍💻 cc’ed: internal legal,
troy the official email forwarder,
the invisible fucking ghosts
of milwaukee

these absolute heroes filed:
“we deny knowledge of her dv disclosures.”
bro—
word?
but, also them:
forwarded my june 22 dv packet—
which included:
🔥 the restraining order
🔥 photo of the ER visit
🔥 fraudgirl 2.0 aka “the rep” calling me “hostile” for describing my fucking abuse
🔥 documented shit clearly indicating
one of your other goblin-ass reps
is watching my stories post-removal.
🔥 explicit instructions to forward this to legal
🔥 and fucking preserve

but nah.

nope.
idk what rules even are,
why does…
legal education exist?
bro,
the codes of ethics?
but just…
fuck it?

🤔⚠️

me, clutching
the fucking flag of basic morals:
yo,
is this a fucking bit?
like some corporate
shitty-ass improv night?

so they be like,
we “deny knowledge”
but bro,
you’re sitting on a
digital fucking dv folder labeled
“FRAUD IF IGNORED”?

🤔🕵️

…what???

be so fucking serious.

also:
who does read
the emails over there?
because if troy’s forwarding them,
and y’all are filing like
you never fucking saw ‘em,
i’m just wondering
if the job is to lie
or to pretend no one has a fucking inbox.
like—
do you have a policy on that?
or just
shooting some shit???

🤔⚖️

✦ exhibit four: homicidal hubby’s legal team
(the “we can’t confirm who’s paying us” clowns)

🧑🏼‍💼 spenc, big c, silent chick, sponsored by ghost money and a felony fucking bond

filed:
”shit, this bitch was about to drop this clown from the formal complaint”

aka: didn’t you fucking default???

nah,
nahhhh—
2 months to
come up with the
”idk shit” defense.

fucking brilliant.

also filed:
💥 …nothing about him
💥 fucking violating
💥 the restraining order
💥 nothing about him
💥 skipping child support for a year
💥 nothing about
💥 who bankrolled
💥 a whole-ass fucking law firm
💥 while he’s couch-hopping
in a fucking basement in texas.

me,
blinking fucking slowly at Rule 1.8(f):
so…you’re telling me
the broke man
with a felony strangulation
of a pregnant chick case
who’s been
financially missing since 2024
is just raw-dogging legal fees
out of thin fucking air?
and no one’s concerned?
no one’s disclosing…
shit?

seems reasonable. 💫

so.

this is the job???

🔥🤯

and…
you sure y’all are lawyers?
or
did you mistake
legal representation
for a fucking
public relations exercise
sponsored by goddamn
lies and delusions?

word.

🧠💫💭

because
if my toddler
forged these fucking pleadings
in goddamn crayon,
they’d be
more fucking accurate.

✦ exhibit five: the policy lapse fucking gaslight olympics

📬 corporate gang, meet litigation fantasy

filed:
“her policy lapsed on [insert make-believe nonsensical date]”

—also sent to my home:
🤡 6/10/25: “pay by 7/8 to keep this policy from ending!”
🤡 3/25/25: bill on his policy with “payer: samantha lowe” printed across the top
🤡 months after they say it was “gone.”

i mean,
shit…
let’s just all—
fuck around and find out???

cool,
whatever.

🥀

me, now losing grip on linear fucking time:
[🤔]
so is it alive or dead?
am i alive?
is this real???
do you want my money…
or not?
or is this some
weird phantom insurance scam
where you kill the policy
and then haunt me for money?
on a comission pipeline??

because
if that’s the model?
damn girl,
slay. ✊🏻🥺
…but maybe
[✍🏻]
don’t lie
to the fucking judge
about it
while i still have
the fucking record.

🫨

✦ exhibit six: the vibe check of fucking clown-town professionalism

👩🏽‍⚖️ “we acted in good faith and professionally”

bro??

filed:
a masterclass in generic, blank denials. 🤙

ignored:
⚠️ everything
⚠️ dv evidence
⚠️ financial transfers
⚠️ deletion notices
⚠️ preservation requests
⚠️ billing contradictions
⚠️ basic fucking humanity

me, staring into the goddamn abyss
what part of
any of this is fucking
professional?
y’all read a dv victim’s disclosures
deleted her comms
called her tone hostile
and then??
pretended she was
a fucking stranger in your filings.

i’ve seen teenagers on finsta
behave with more
goddamn accountability.

🧠💫

closing
or some shit—

hi your honor :)
just a quick q
before we proceed:

⚖️✨🧑‍⚖️

are these lawyers... lying? 📢
like, just factually, is the job… lying?
because i feel like
i’m the only one
who brought documents
to a fucking document fight
and everyone else
brought some shitty-ass
selective fucking amnesia
and an outdated
MS Word.

💀

and if that’s
what law is now,
cool,
no problem,
just let me know
so i can start
making shit up,
too.

😏🤺

'cause yo,
apparently
all you need to practice
is a fucking laptop,
a goddamn nerve,
and the unshakable belief
that no one’s
gonna check the fucking archives.

🔥🤯

🪦 rip to the truth
but i’m different

(or: a memorial for every fact they buried on purpose.)

for the
e-filed lies.
signed denials.
redacted reality.
but baby
i showed up
pissed the fuck off
to the funeral
in a baddie black dress
and a fucking toddler.

💫

let’s light a fucking candle 🕯️
for every email they “never saw,”
every screenshot they “can’t confirm,”

and that’s fine.
bury that shit.

i dig shit up
for fucking frivolity.

🕊