no words.

ok.
babe.
deep breath.

this is part of healing,
right?
you finally crack.
you say the thing
out loud.

“i need help.”
not metaphorically.
not long-term.
not vibes.
i need a warm body.
in the room.
to sit next to my kid
so i can catch up,
clean up,
pay the bills,
study for my midterm,
take the actual exam,
and not fall through the fucking cracks.

and i said it clearly.
over and over.
any day.
any time.
literally whenever.
just show up.
sit on your phone—
watch tv
eat my food
smoke my weed,
just keep her alive
while i come up for air.

and people said:
“i got you.”
“absolutely.”
“anything you need.”

but what they meant was:
“i will absolutely offer whatever costs me nothing.”

someone said:
“i wish i lived closer 🥺”
(so… you don’t. shit. but you’re emotionally adjacent. slay.)

someone said:
“can you drop her off tuesday at this exact time? that’s my only window before break.”
…
(so… i’m supposed to pack up my toddler, drive an hour each way,
burn four hours of gas and chaos
for ninety minutes of help?
is that the math?
fuck it,
i’ll sit her
with ms. rachel)

someone said they could help during my exam.
i felt relief.
at least i have that figured out.
jk
asked if i could reschedule my midterm today.
no yeah i’m serious.
”will your prof let you take it a day early?”

seriously.
fuck my life.

but now i have
2 days
to not fail
due to lack of childcare.
thank you.
god bless.

someone said:
“playdate,
but come to me!”
but you’re in a different city.
and this is not a joke.
when i said
i haven’t slept
at all
two separate nights
in one week
that was a signal
to see if you understood
this is a fucking sos
this is not a drill
(without embarrassing myself further)
it was received more like
lol i know right

!!!!!!!!!!

someone said they’d fly in.
i teared up.
i said really?!
i begged.
i offered food.
i said i was dying.
and they said lol.
“omg, i’m sure you really need that.”
i have work though

bro—
for the love of god?!
why

and yes—
some people sent money.
and yes,
we ate.
thank you.

but the truth is—
if someone had sat with me
for two hours,
just once,
i could’ve opened the mail.
filed for the benefits i qualify for.
called the A/C company.
applied for the back child support.
figured out that grant i need for tuition.
gotten my life back on track.
escaped this loop.

but i couldn’t.
because i don’t have a second body
to make sure my kid doesn’t scale a bookshelf
or sprint into traffic
while i try to log in to the state’s broken portal.

so yes,
thank you for the $100.
it fed us.
for a week.
and we’re still here.

and here’s the real kicker:
after all that—
after all the “let me know how i can help,”
after all the “you got this babe 💖”—
i still ended up
alone,
exhausted,
broke,
behind,
and somehow feeling like i had failed you
because i couldn’t make your time slot.

and the thing is, i’ve been here ten years.
i’ve run two businesses.
i’ve overpaid people.
cleaned homes for free.
fed kids.
offered trainings.
free food.
free hotel rooms.
free labor.
free vibes.

and when i said:
“i can’t do this without help.”
not one person showed up.

not one person walked through the door
and sat in the chair
and said,
“go.
do what you need to do.
i got this.”

instead i got calendar invites.
travel offers wrapped in jokes.
cash in place of presence.
and heart emojis
where help should’ve been.

so now what?
i’m tired.
i’m sad.
i’m disgusted.
i’m past heartbroken.
because i thought if i said the thing
with enough vulnerability,
someone would meet me in it.

instead, you all offered what was easy.
you offered what cost you nothing.
and then you dipped the second it got real.

you watched me drown
and asked if i had venmo.

don’t send flowers.
don’t check in later.
don’t say “i didn’t know it was that bad.”

i told you.