a tag-team exposé on america’s most dishonarable vet 🎤 💥 🥊
🎤 💥 THE EX-WIVES TAG TEAM: LIVE FROM FAMILY COURT & YOUR WORST NIGHTMARES 💥
streaming exclusively on "how tf did two women with mortgages fall for a walking red flag?"
🥊🥊🤼♂️🥊🥊
⚖️ legal-ish disclaimer for the overly invested:
this post is a work of satirical opinion and artistic expression, protected under the first amendment and applicable fair use/parody laws. any resemblance to real people, places, or emotionally stunted men with delusions of grandeur are entirely intentional and fully earned. statements reflect personal experiences, interpretations, and trauma-informed humor—not verified court transcripts (though we’ve got those too, babe). if you feel personally attacked, that’s between you and your moral compass.
*in other words: if the combat boot fits, lace it up.
💥
🥊 IN THIS CORNER: THE EX-WIVES™
two separate court dockets.
two separate mortgage approvals.
one shared delusional deadbeat trying to rebrand as misunderstood.
zero remaining fucks.
👩⚕️ WIFE ONE:
advanced-practice rn.
surgical-tier income.
homeowner.
throwing hands and filing cabinets since deployment #1.
professionally trained to save lives—
accidentally married a man committed to slow psychological manslaughter.
let him in.
he unpacked nothing but excuses,
war stories,
and a pill habit held together by va denial letters. *unverified
cheated,
gaslit,
maybe experimented with the squad— *uncorroborated.
left behind a trail of empty promises,
deflated masculinity,
and pabst cans that saw more action than he did overseas.
she didn’t just leave—
she evacuated under tactical threat.
then launched documentation like missiles:
to the church.
to the courts.
bcc’d the next poor bitch (hi).
📚 WIFE TWO:
law student.
entrepreneur.
actually punk.
hot. smart.
out of his league.
legally annoying people for fun.
he showed up like:
“hey you got a wifi code and a blanket?”
he came back from war with no tools and a god complex.
survived pregnancy.
survived head trauma.
survived him thinking he was still the main character.
planned baby.
unplanned domestic violence.
(aka: allegedly getting emotional support... orally. in my subaru.)
☠️ OPPOSING CORNER: TEAM FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT
🫠 THE EX-HUSBAND:
aka: mr. "i fought for this country but not for custody."
aka: combat veteran with a trauma fetish.
aka: pussy ptsd.
(it only flares when accountability enters the chat.)
serial cheater.
serial squatter.
serial soul-sucker.
says things like:
“you’ll never understand what i’ve been through.”
correct.
i’ve never abandoned two women,
a child,
and four phone plans
while blaming iraq.
wants credit for “service”
but couldn’t even hold down a service industry job.
💀 HIS TAG TEAM PARTNER:
aka
not a baddie.
not a soulmate.
just a rotating cast of bad decisions
✨ team flop era includes:
the unpaid child support balance
the “emotional affair” office gremlin who pinged his phone while legally married *all claims denied
his combat-induced entitlement complex
and every job he quit before the w2 even printed
📉 MATCH STATS:
TEAM EX-WIVES™
2 degrees
2 mortgages
1 planned child™
47 pdfs labeled “starterhubbywtfwasthat.pdf”
1 google drive of no-the-fuck-he-didn’t docs
🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆
TEAM SADBOY BULLSHIT:
2 failed marriages
0 days a week with the baby
0 documented income since trump took office
0 backbone, 0 accountability, 0 times he’s been loyal
1 order to stay the fuck away from me *full faith and credit baby
1 emotional wallet with a family tree shaped like a question mark *
3–7 unknown numbers, a trail of “u up?”s
from dudes with too many heart emojis, (allegedly)
and at least one “accidental” nude he swears is contextual.
🏆 honorable mentions:
– dishonorable discharge from every responsibility ever
– still thinks “being misunderstood” is a personality
– tried to gaslight two wives who both owned property. bold.
– last seen editing his linkedin bio instead of his parenting plan
🎤 dropped.
“this piece is a satirical opinion entry.
all events are based on personal experience.
any resemblance to real people
is entirely intentional and deeply unfortunate.”
