subject: ✨not-an-opp✨ form
self-assessment for ex-consultants
still stalking the legal wifey’s page:
please complete the form to confirm whether you're a neutral observer, a full-time op, or just absolutely-delulu-level-obsessed with me.
📜🔎
👀 if you're in the views, you’re in the audit.
no opt-outs. no disclosures. just receipts.
status: lurking. muted. clocked.
…
hi babe,
since you're still watching my stories like they’re case studies,
just thought we’d go ahead and get your internal review started.
this is not a conflict—it’s just some ✨light paperwork✨.
✨ instructions:
please check all that apply.
this is a legally protected exercise in ✨recollection✨.
you may return this form via dm, email, or by exiting my story views for once.
…
✧ section i: communication ethics, or whatever →
while you were a “neutral third party,” “friend of the family,” and “professional co-worker", did you:
⬜ call my husband regularly after hours 👠⛓️🧎♂️
⬜ facetime him regularly like you were his emotional HR rep
⬜ text him like it was part of your comp package
⬜ continue contact after he relocated cross-country to my childhood bedroom
⬜ while he was texting you from my dad’s backyard
⬜ while we had a newborn
⬜ while only knowing him ~6 months prior to leaving
⬜ while he was married
⬜ while he was still in my camper in my mom’s front yard
⬜ after we were estranged
⬜ while actively acting as our professional contact point
⬜ while consistently watching my socials like 👀 👀 👀
⬜ while literally… knowing me: pregnant, new mother, his legal wife. (you’re yucky girl)
↳ please explain how this wasn’t a conflict of interest.
(use the white space provided below to lie boldly.)
✧ section ii: financial intervention or emotional subsidy? →
during your time as the direct contact girlie to our family, did you:
⬜ cash app my hubby multiple times
⬜ while he was unemployed and/or unpaid and weirdly confident
⬜ while i was fronting utilities, groceries, and doggy daycare
⬜ while he was buying gas with my money, driving my car
⬜ while he was using my credit card without telling me
⬜ never sent support cash (what were those for, again?) to the wife directly (me)
⬜ or the child you “cared” so much about (because it was about our family, right?)
⬜ discontinued cash/emotional/advisorial support once g.i. dickhead dipped
⬜ but continue viewing me daily like it’s your own personal mini-series? (i literally was like, but…why is that girl still here tho, lol?)
⬜ become silently and covertly obbsessed with me? 🫣🪨
↳ checks notes:
so just to confirm—
you were casually sending money,
calling,
texting,
and facetiming my husband...
while we were legally married,
living under the same roof,
with a newborn,
during my postpartum bleedout era—
for…friendship? babe?
🥀
is this, like, a daddy’s money 💀 version of friendship?
because i’ve been around plenty of wealthy women.
they don’t even make eye contact, let alone cashapp married men.
↳ please explain with your full chest in white space:
✧ section iii: let’s circle back to that little policy pyramid you helped architect →
⬜ did you set up the cute family policy?
⬜ did you get my baby’s legal details like you were building a legacy and not auditioning to be a bonus wife?
⬜ did you smile sweetly while onboarding the whole fam like this wasn’t a soft launch for your HR crush?
⬜ did you “advise” both of us—or were you really just managing one client’s emotional returns?
⬜ did you ghost the file post-estrangement, like we’d all just forget your name wasn’t on the contact sheet anymore?
⬜ did you tell the firm it was “too awkward” because pretending you weren’t triangulating yourself into a married man’s life was starting raise liability?
⬜ was that awkwardness new—or did you just finally realize it was ethically and legally pathetic?
↳ because babe—
if it was about policy, why did the professionalism vanish the second he did?
if you were really about our family, why’d you ghost the moment i got left holding the bag and the baby?
honestly, i would’ve forgotten you existed—
but then again, here you are:
👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀
girl—are you okay?
like blink twice if you need help
or if you still think proximity to my husband might make people notice you.
(pick me!!!!!)
✧ section iv: post-plotline behavior →
⬜ viewed my stories non-stop like a full-blown stan 👀🌳👤
⬜ watched me go public about the violence
⬜ stayed silent
⬜ watched me clean houses—with toddler, on literal back
⬜ never said a word
⬜ never followed up
⬜ never sent help
⬜ never even acted confused
↳ if you were waiting for your cue to be the hero: baby, you’re the kinda woman people warn each other about.
(babes—she’s insecure, desperate, will try to ping your man while you’re pregnant and funding the delusion. lol!)
🌳👀🌿
✧ final section: who tf were you really →
⬜ family friend
⬜ lurked/probably contacted my abuser when i said “domestic violence”
⬜ said nothing. did nothing. not even a fake “u ok?”
⬜ watched me struggle with a baby on my back like it was reality tv
⬜ kept showing up in the views like loyalty meant lurking
⬜ never offered help
⬜ never even tried to lie like, “oh i didn’t know…”
↳ if you thought i was lying: babe, what exactly were you studying so closely?
↳ if you knew i was telling the truth: how on-brand for you.
↳ was the wife’s life just a networking inconvenience to your little “i don’t usually get hot guys” savior complex?
↳ your energy was giving: troll babe. it’s giving straight troll.
↳ like… what did you think was gonna happen? that you’d get away with it because your daddy once paid for a rowing coach?
baby, that makes you less likable. not more.
🖤 this has been a formal baddie audit.
🖤 your responses will not be reviewed, because babe—
🖤 why are you even here?
💔
legal-ish disclosure for the easily scandalized:
this post is a personal narrative and satirical opinion piece, protected under the first amendment and applicable fair use/parody doctrines.
no names were named. if you think it’s about you… that’s on you, babe.
not directed at an employer, coworker, or firm. if your company gets involved, it’s because you involved them.
not a statement of provable fact. this is recollection, rhetorical questioning, and lived emotional experience—not defamation, just documentation.
not public targeting. this site is privately maintained and not distributed to any audience besides people who voluntarily seek it out.
if you feel indicted, that’s between you and your search history.
