compliance horror stories, vol. 1: documented, dated, dumb as hell

(ok but like… was that your job? or were you just vibing?)

💡 disclaimer:
nothing here is intended as a statement of fact—
this is my interpretation of documents and circumstances.

✶

nah,
i’m not accusing anyone 🙃
just reviewing some events

let’s say—hypothetically—
if someone calling themselves
a financial professional
was allegedly sending cash
to your domestically violent co-parent
she’s your advisor—
but she’s
facetiming,
texting,
lol vibing 💀
✨ constantly ✨
with your shittier-legal-half
babe like—
during the onboarding process
for your newborn’s
life insurance policy—
while you were pregnant,
recently postpartum,
actively getting your ass beat,
and paying every fucking bill—
👏😐

she’s like
DING— 💸
ding. 💸
ding. 💸
babe,
i sent some cash!
not to you though
lol
to your man!
”professionally”
like a kick-back?
like a bestie energy.
🙃👍

you might be like:
“hey bestie, what the fuck is this?”

but like—
silly
i couldn’t ask
babe
never once
saw his phone.
girl—lol
he was kicking the
living shit out of me.
sweetie, i was
closer to slaughter—
every time i got closer to a secret.
🤫👀

must have been peaceful,
undisturbed.
bitch, tranquil?
right? like—
she’s never gunna know.
🤫🤭
ok. bet.

🏆

that’s why
💡
the closer y’all
alledegly got—
the fucking closer
i got to a fucking bodybag.

allegedly!!!!!! ✨
🤫🔪

now let’s say—again,
purely hypothetically—
that same rep
quietly removed herself
from your policy file
the moment you went
no-contact
with the man
she’d been allegedly ✨
ping
ping
PINGING.

heh.
hmmmmmmmmm.

but babe?
allegedly ✨
no formal transfer.
no internal disclosure.
no “hey girl, lol.
i’m recusing myself
from this
blatant conflict of interest”
🤷‍♀️💀

but yo—
they’re still
stalking your stories
from their main profile? 🔥
bold babe.

like even mid—
dv crisis??
when i locked that shit down,
whole ass account.
full ghost mode.
for safety?
but you 👀👀👀
+
awkward relationship
with my abuser?
lurking my private disclosures?
👀👀
without disclosing
the conflict of interest?
damn babe.
shit’s rough.

like—lawfully rough.

bro.
that’s not compliance.
that’s:
potentially…
💡
a fucking breach
meets
terrible life choices. 💳👻

🧾 the receipts (allegedly, according to what exists)

👏 i was told to fill out and fund everything
👏 postpartum, broke, then under a restraining order
👏 advisor was venmo’ing the boo off the books
👏 they called each other “sheriff” and “deputy” 🤠💌
👏 removed despite—surprise! i’m the custodial parent
👏 months later, i’m straight-up locked out
👏 when i finally got someone on zoom:
“oh, she recused herself. it got awkward.”
awkward like…
financially intertwined with
my ✨abusive spouse✨
while…potentially…
facilitating a policy
under false pretenses?

🌈🕊️👸💖✨
(shit—princess,
that seems like a
✨fucking disaster.✨)

– meanwhile, 💡
are you still up in my views?
without even outing yourself
as the financial fucking op?

BABE—
breach?
breach?
breach.
👏

(maybe)

🤔 what it “feels” like:

potentially…
✨ conflict of interest x100
✨ breach of duty plus nepotism vibes
✨ failure to act in client’s best interest
✨ retaliatory access removal
✨ possible coordinated fraud if we’re being spicy 🔥✨

allegedly. allegedly. allegedly.
right? 💀

yo—
you (potentially?)
knew what you were doing
you just chose vibes over ethics.
(you…probably…fucking deserve this.)
🫶📈✨

because babe?
it’s not for policy reasons.
but for personal proximity.
absolute trash-levels of disloyalty.
and maybe…a little crush.
who knows. 💀✨

lol.

congrats.
babe—you unlocked:
peak liability. 💳📉👻
(allegedly?)

🥀 what y’all forgot:

lol girl—
what i do know?
i’m organized af.
i have y’all’s supervisors cc’ed.
logged every fucking email.
kept monstrous-looking screenshots.
recorded whole-ass timelines.
saved those “breachy-af” venmos.
babe—like 50 pages.
(!!!)
shit.
and conceivably…
a fed. complaint #??
💀💀💀

fuck, right?
💀💀💀
💀💀💀
💀💀💀

yooooo—i know how it feels.

but hey,
honey—
you’re the star! ✨

sweetie—
you didn’t give a shit,
when i got fucked.
so when this dumpster fire
absolutely hits the fucking fan, ✨✨
and you thought,
no—she’ll never!
i want to be able to
point right here and say—
“lol. told you. babe. i really would.”

hey,
remember—
i tried to be cool.

you miscalculated my kindness
for weakness, girlie.
✨✨

bad move.
really bad move.

💬 legally unnecessary disclaimer:

if you feel personally attacked by this post,
i recommend three steps:

1. screenshot it for your legal team 🖨️

2. legal team reviews;
   visually giving “extremely distressed.” 💀

3. shit your pants hun, because—
   damn, y’all fucked up 🫠

✨✨ (allegedly)

✶

p.s.

btw;
what did those codes say…
🚨🚔🚨🚔🚨??

hmmmmm…
like
not tx…
not ga…
not co….
not. nj…

not fucking alabama..

??!

babe!
you see it?!

damn,.
(maybe?)
hope not,
i mean yikes dude—
terrible optics.

like—
🚨 aggravated strangulation of a pregnant woman—optics.

shit!
💀💀

good thing—
you would never, right?

but if you did—
did you disclose that?