babe—you made like $2.84/hour? 💀 seems legit.

✶

babe,
now that i’ve been forced
to draft
100+ pages
of fucking documentation
(love that for me) 💋
i just want
to thank you
for the most
expensive
unpaid
internship
in fuckboy history.
🏆🏆🏆

the
evidence pile
is
truly
almost—
as deep as your delusion: ✨👨‍⚖️

but let me
breakdown
what i’ve realize,
now that i’m not
under
threat
of
imminent ✨ violence.

ok so.

🐀📈🧢

✘ 5 days a week
✘ “commuted” an hour
but bro—
you brought home…
like??
a single
✘ $2k commission check
✘ in…like…5 months?

iconic productivity.
🏆
⛽
👑

wait but—
the same fucking place
with a
whole fucking motto—
out here like 🗣🗣
culture for new reps:
🗣
“be in the office
for morning huddle,
then vanish
and ‘prospect’ wherever,
as long as you close.”
so like?
half the office
never sees each other
after 10 a.m.?
my dude!
you cost more
in fucking gas
than you made
in sales.
you better
have been
sitting in
that 🙃
fucking 🙃
cubicle 🙃
eigthhoursaf&%kingday
🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃
isweartof&%kinggod
✨🌈🕊️🪷🧘🏼‍♀️
lol.

yoooooo—bro is the
💸✨ economic queen.

so…
what were you doing?
5x a week.
for like…most my pregnancy
not making
a dime?
hmmmm.

maybe?

✘ badge swipe
✘ bing at the office,

then what?

✘ gone 👻
✘ location off.
✘ + 11 pm mystery errands
✘ + 300% increased homicidal tendencies?

weird—
bro.
it looks like…

✘ your office goblin
just happened to live?

✘ a five-minute walk away? (👹🚶‍♂️🗺️🏢)

✘ very interesting ✨

does this mean?—
and wait—
i could
totally
be
reading this wrong. 🤡
but like…?
✘ no car.
✘ no money.
✘ no reason to fucking be there.
✘ 5 days a week.
✘ all day.
✘ pregnant severely ill wife
✘ 140 lbs. dog shitting in the condo daily
L O L
✘ aug to dec?

so…
feels like
you’re a fuckboi
shorting the fuck out?—
👨🏻‍💻👨🏼‍💻🧠💥🔌
signaling
👨🏼‍💻 to me
fucking
dumbass
cheater code for:
👨🏼‍💻💥💥🔥🔥🔥🔥
”it took a
whole
fucking
tank of gas
to sit
on her couch—
and call it…
a job?”

because
baby—
that’s
what
✘ the fucking evidence
seems
to
indicate.

idkkkkk man.

feels off. 🤔

(bro.
i bought
a 40k financed
fucking vehicle,
so you
🐀📈🧢✨👨‍⚖️
could commute.
+ fucking interest
+
you
totaled
my
paid
off
vehicle
🤡💀🙃)

fuuuuuuckkkkkkk.

🙃✨🌈🕊️

deep breath.

but for real?
all the while,
i was in
✘ trimester two?
✘ then three?—
damn, dude.

out here
✘ working,
✘ pregnant,
✘ holding shit down,
and
✘ not physically fucking repulsive?

🤡💀🧌

lol.
bro!

yo, ok.
i don’t usually go here,
but fuck it 🫡
cuz be for real— i lost
✘ my life savings,
✘ tuition fund,
✘ vehicle,
✘ ✘ and two fucking policies.

and shit—
almost my fucking IRA.

so fuck it.
let’s do this.

office emotional goblin:
👠👹🧌💸✨
ok.
…
yikes.
ok…wait…but…
for real?!—
yes
the personality
was…
🧌💸✨ bleak.
but bro.
her skin?—
lol. yo.
seriously
rough to look at
while consuming food.
but honestly (!)
🧌 the face…
in general?
yo…like i said,
some of us
fucked
too many
cousins
on the family tree.
🧌🧌💋
—
but woof.
ok.
but…
her teeth?
🧟‍♀️🦷🧌
my guy (!)—
this girl is “rich”
(???!) 💸🧌
yo, looks like the
before photo,
and you still
risked it all—
for
that?
legendary self-esteem, king.🧌🔥👑

meanwhile me:
your 💋 “dream girl”—
you said it,
a lot—
not me.
but you literally
couldn’t stop yourself
from lying,
cheating,
or tanking our entire lives
for a fucking
dental warning story
who couldn’t
even keep you around
unless she venmo’d you
while your wifey
was home preggo?

the man. the myth.

the reality:
my dude,
you had
every ✨
fucking
chance
to just walk away. 🚪🏃‍♂️🦷👹🚗
i would have
been
too fucking exhausted
to
extensively
document
your fucking domestic crimes.
like bro—
all you had to do was:
pay something in support,
let me breathe,
move the fuck on (!)
but no,
✨ you’re a little bitch.
so of course
you picked:
scorched fucking earth,
while you built
a fake “hustle”
and a real-life
office
fucking
disaster,
📲💰🤰🥊💥
and now
everyone
who touched that shit—
is gunna get their
hands fucking
dirty
permanently
fucking
marked.
🤯
but hey
don’t feel bad
at least that shit was—
✨ funded exclusively
by my
savings,
equity,
and fucking
insurance payments. ✨

but here’s the real
fucking hilarious part:
💀
yo.
you could’ve just left.
💀🪦
you could’ve just fucking walked.
you could’ve even
kept
the awkward
side goblin
and the subsidized commute
to fucking nowhere.
but naaaaahh—
you had to fuck with me. 🐲
repeatedly.
call the boys. ✨
drain our accounts, ✨
pay nothing, ✨
lie about
everything 💀✨
bro—
you tried to erase me,
and then
steal my kid’s fucking policies,
then gaslight me
out of my own
fucking
life.

so now?
babe.
💀💀💀
lol yo.
you fucked up.
now i’m activated. 💋

my dude.
i’m tracking id logs,
recording
every
fucking
email,
my sweet, pathetic—
disdain of my life, 💋🐲
now i am
fucking out here
timestamping fucking
venmo receipts,
looking up documents,
and lease terminations.
honey,
you weren’t commuting
for work—
you were making
the world’s
most fucking
stupid,
consequential,
horrifically litigious +
financially detrimental =
side trip
of all
fucking
time.

nice work.

congrats
on your only sales record:
selling yourself
short.

and i think?…
to fucking hell.

😢🎻

💋