gyno notes: “chlamydia, credit karma, & community dick” 🍆🦠✨💀
wait.
ok.
i’m just
mental mapping—
purely speculating,
running some equations.
🧠✨
since my life insurance
servicing rep—
casually implied 💥
my husband was
a fucking snake, 🐛
i thought about it—
listen.
calling this
an “affair”
is disrespectful
to people who
actually had chemistry.
this was a 🛢️⚠️💥
discount gangbang tour
with no tour bus,
just a 2015 subaru crosstrek
with a check-engine light on,
dog hair,
and expired
fucking mcdonald’s fries.
imagine—
radioactive level ick.
☣️🧪☠️🍆🍑🦠
because
let’s be honest,
the cubicle troll
was only
desperate enough
to qualify as
audience participation.
✨🎗️👍
this shit was a
rotational membership
to a mutual dick collective
a fucking
community outreach program.
and the only qualification
was
low self-esteem
and a functional
fucking debit card.
bro.
i guarentee—
dude was a
walking punch card.
fuck 10 times,
get a free std. 🫶✨
(now
picture me 🤔🧮
on a chalkboard
like russell crowe
in a beautiful mind,
except it just says
“raw dogging with goblins”
on repeat)
let’s calculate:
🧌🧌 1–2 coworkers who love a sad vet, on fucking rotation
🤡 1 homie of mine who traded her dignity for gas-station dick
👹 1 unfortunate girl from the bar he got free food from
🦖 1 regrettable ex in his phone under a fake name
🐲 1 rando every time he got a new job or washed his balls
🦸 definitely 0 condoms
✅ 100% chance of HPV
💥 infinite lies about “you’re the only one”
lol, but
the women?
nah dawg—
i can’t even be mad.
some of y’all
really thought
you were “the one” ✨🪄
because— 💖🥺
maybe
he got head
on break
in the back of my car—
and double-texted
while i was changing
fucking diapers.
sis—
you weren’t
the soulmate.
you were the
only one
always available
between
gas station runs
and his bullshit
baby prep.
😄🫶💕✨
let’s be crystal:
⭐ he was never that hot.
he looks like
every guy who’s
one DUI away
from living in a
Bass Pro Shops
fucking parking lot.
nah,
wait—
bro looks like
the dude who
fixes your brakes wrong
on purpose 🛠️
so you come back.
😭🚫🏠😞
⭐ he was never that smart.
this man googles
“what is APR”
this guy
thought it stood for
fucking “April.”
like it was written
in fucking hieroglyphics.
😭🧍♂️📊📉
⭐ he was definitely
never packing shit.
except maybe:
debt, unpaid taxes,
and fucking terrible credit.
yo,
dick game like—
”bro—
you sure you into girls?”
😭🌈👬❤️🔥
like, imagine
risking chlamydia, ☠️
bacterial vaginosis, 🦠
and your fucking dignity
for a dude whose
net worth is
negative $40k, 🔥
a vans shoe collection,
and a fucking
lapsed life insurance policy.
💰⚠️🤷♂️
bro wasn’t a catch.
bro was a charity case with a dick.
💳💸😩
meanwhile, me?
i was literally
fantasizing
about my ex ❤️🔥
every single time
we fucked,
because
my body knew
i was fucking a
mid-grade sociopath
running the same
two fucking plays
whose idea of “foreplay”
was breathing heavy
and asking if i Venmo’d
gas money yet.
🥺🤲💰⛽️
lol.
nah, but—
the gross truth is:
i wasn’t
“getting cheated on.”
i was living
in the center of an
unlicensed clinical trial
on sexual cross-contamination.
☢️⚠️🧪💀
i was the unwilling
fucking control group
in a bootleg sex-addict
pilot study. 🍆🥵
and once you see it,
you can’t unsee it:
😷 urgent care frequent flyer miles
🧪 test results reading bio hazard
🚩 red flags brighter than maga hats
🧼 emotional bleach, 2x daily
anyway—
hope everyone’s
penicillin’s ☠️
up to date.
✨💉🙏
and to any
side pieces
still watching me—
baby.
that broke-ass goblin
was mid as fuck.
mid dick,
mid brain,
mid everything.
(and balding)
the only thing
above average
about him is
the number of silly bitches
dumb enough
to believe his shit.
🛢️⚠️💥
✶
disclaimer 📝💀
i do not know these facts to be true.
this is purely fucking speculation,
free-style roast math,
and bad bitch hypothesis testing.
any resemblance to actual chlamydia,
credit scores, or community dick rotations
is entirely coincidental.
consult your local urgent care for details.
