⚠️ felony math, babe: how much does it cost to get your married coworker spun out on the job 💸❄️😵💫✨
a mathematical theory:
or: how much would that trust fund goblin blow keeping my husband
tweaked the fuck out like a fucked up build-a-bear from october to january?
💸❄️😵💫✨
—
bitch!
⚠️ that’s 123 days of:
• no job
• no sales
• no toothbrush
• no fucking remorse
• and somehow... no running out of coke.
so let’s math that shit:
🧪 baseline dose math:
🤡 average u.s. street price: $80–$120/g
🤡 denver range: $70–$125/g
🤡 timeframe: 123 days
🤡 key variable: how coked tf up was he???
—
💸 option 1: “just a lil bump”
0.5–1g/day × $100 = $6,150–$12,300
✦ aka “i still work a job” & don’t punch pregnant women tier
✦ spoiler: naaaahhh, not here.
💸❄️😵💫✨
💸 option 2: “your baby’s choking but i’m vibing”
1–2g/day × $100 = $12,300–$24,600
✦ most likely scenario
✦ hair thinning, nose crusty, personality? fucking gone
💸❄️❄️😵💫✨
💸 option 3: “fuck around every day but it’s really just trauma”
1.5g/day + 20% party markup = $22,140
✦ the i will literally go to jail for this man aka zero fucks tier
✦ congrats! you’re his co-defendant now.
💸❄️❄️❄️😵💫✨
💸 option 4: “fuck it, overdose chic”
3g/day @ $120–$150/g = $44,280–$55,350
✦ let’s be real: it’s giving inheritance money gone very fucking bad
💸❄️❄️❄️❄️😵💫✨
—
🗺️ regional pricing, converted bitch:
📍denver: 1–2g/day @ $70–$125 = $8,610–$30,750
📍dallas: 1–2g/day @ $50–$100 = $6,150–$24,600
📌and that’s just retail.
if she was fronting wholesale…
—girl. ❄️😵💫✨
—
🧾 summary for the fucking jury:
✦ lowball: $9k ❄️
✦ realistic: $18–22k ❄️❄️
✦ petty truth: $30–55k ❄️❄️❄️
✦ and all for a man who can't even Venmo you back. 😭
…or leave his wife.
🤡 🤡 🤡 🤡 🤡
babe!
he fled the fucking state.
(take the hint, damn.)
—
📉 closing coke arguments:
did this bitch ❄️
sponsor his collapse—
and then have the fucking balls
to still be checking my goddamn
motherfucking instagram stories—
WITH THAT FACE????
bro.
lock her tf up.
baby,
go fund a fucking dental plan,
some anti-aging skin rehab—
(the drugs are drying af, am i right?!)
and his blow habit?!!?
congrats.
you're like mother teresa
with fucking pharmaceutical issues
and the morality of a bland trashcan on stolen adderall.
🤡 ❄️😵💫✨
