ANTI-SLAPP? MORE LIKE ⋆✴︎ANTI-SHUT-THE-FUCK-UP LAW⋆✴︎⋆

✶

imagine this:
you’re a completely under-resourced,
broke af single mom,
3 AM on your laptop,
BEGGING a billion-dollar
financial firm
to just
loop me the fuck in
on a fucking disclosed
✨ conflict of interest—
involving my money
and safety—
and you know, something
y’all should have already fucking done
wasting my fucking time.
looking up codes,
scanning documents,
because,
babe ✨ the math ain’t mathing ✨
so what do they do?
when i start asking questions?

they gaslight you. 🤡
the ignore you. 🤫

then 💡
while you’re
pleading for fucking help,
you spot some hometown
major insurance-defense firm
crawling every trauma-blog post
you’ve ever written. 👀🏃‍♂️💀

hi y’all!!!
😐👋

babe,
how fucked are they?
yo—
💀 i don’t have a law degree.
girl,
💀 i don’t even have a lawyer.
i’m just typing shit—
truly legally
pissed-off emails at 3 AM.
because y’all are clearing
fucking me. ✨💀💀💀

and i want…
✨help✨

like—is this really what we’re doing 🐲
to vulnerable clients? 🦄🌈🕊️

lol.

but babe—
lemme break it down in coloradobro legal receipts:

• c.r.s. § 13-20-1101–1105 =
  your favorite anti-slapp shield
  when i post about your shitshow ✨

• restatement (third) of agency §§ 8.01–8.03 =
  you had a fiduciary duty, you shit the bed ✨

• c.r.s. § 6-1-105(1)(e),(u) =
  unlawful misrepresentations in insurance admin,
  checkmate bitch ✨

little man—
let me repeat,
i am not the villain here.
i’m the fucking victim.
😢🎻
😢🎻

i know,
wah
wah
wah
sad violin. 🎻

but babe—
are you fucking serious?

you’re a multi-billion dollar firm. 💀
gaslighting a client? 💀
because you,
fucked up? 💀🪦

how does this play with the jury? 🤔

babe—
🚩🚩
optics are TERRIBLE.

so go ahead—
threaten me with more
customer service holds.
with law firms that
cost more than
a semester of my tuition. 💸💸
like, damn homie,
you could have just
sent that cash to us?
lol.
since we’re all like—
impoverished and shit,
but go off.
file your “cease and desist.”
but babe?
should i go pro se?

🔥🔥 think of the headline:

👼 single mom, dv victim, trusting client.
pro se
(⚖️🦄🌈🕊️💖✨)

v.

🐲 giant insurance conglomerate.
w. legal trolls.
(⚖️🧌🤑💸🎪🃏)

(L O L) ⚔️

…

babe,
let’s go!!!
🎉

but can’t i like—
special-motion-dismiss
your fucking lame ass
under c.r.s. § 13-20-1102 ??
while you pay my fees (§ 1104)
???

lol. damn.
sucks when they can read statutes.
am i right?

my dudes—
remember?

this is you:

off-channel comms +
insider affair +
pregnant-dv warrant =
your new compliance crisis 🎉

babe,
you really
fucked with
the one woman
who had nothing to lose
and everything to gain
(and access to multiple law libraries)
by saying
YO WTF (?!)
out loud.

BABE—
i’m ready. 💅

are y’all?

because, clearly:

$16.5 M fine wasn’t enough?
here’s round two:
legal and public
come-to-jesus-moment

peace out,
you played yourselves boys. 😘

✶

COLORADO ANTI-SLAPP SHIELD

• ⚖️ C.R.S. § 13-20-1101: my blog & socials = protected “public expression.”

• ⚖️ § 13-20-1102: file special motion to dismiss if sued—bam, gone.

• ⚖️ § 13-20-1103: automatic stay of discovery = no bullshit demands.

• ⚖️ § 13-20-1104: fee-shifting = they pay legal fees. LOL.

• ⚖️ § 13-20-1105: they must prove i lied with reckless disregard—HAHA, good luck.