✨i’ll testify against myself 💋
🗂️ exhibit a: the part where you think you're gonna find something i haven't already fucking said
💀☕🪦🧃📂👁️
bro ok here—
y’all are petty.
here it is 💋
since some of y’all been
refreshing my site
🎪🤡📸
literally obsessed
scrolling every. fucking. page. 💀
(scared, huh?) 🤡🤡
deadass like you're
billing hours to the devil.
yo. 😵💫
let me make it easy.
✨i’ll just testify against myself✨
hi. 💋
yes.
welcome to the trauma files™
i'm your host
the allegedly
unhinged single mom
with a baddie dog,
a fucking chip on my shoulder—
and a full-ass history of
“shit no one should see:
volumes: 1-3485”
you want the
slanderous shit?
girl okay.
🔥 let’s open the fucking vault, babe:
▸ i have a learning disability. 🧃🧠
▸ i grew up in fucking chaos.
like, actual—CPS-where the fuck you at?
level shit. 🥀
▸ i didn’t do drugs.
not because i’m on
some 🙏🏻 mother mary 🙏🏻 shit—
just because i think 😈 men 😈
are fucking predators. 🧌🧌
and they prey on the weak,
and vulnerable. 🦄🌈🕊️
▸ i did get raped in college.
by a homie. 🐲
and guess what?
i still got a fucking vendetta.
▸ i used to have anxiety attacks
on the reg.
shaking and shit.
nervous system overload.
but now i’m way better. ✨
▸ i chain smoke 🚬😮💨
so i don’t form other habits.
▸ i bartended
while running two businesses
and trying to go to fucking law school.
👏😐📉
▸ i miscarried the child 🪦
of someone i actually loved.
he died that day too.
i’ll never get over it.
🦄🌈🕊️
▸ then i married
a fucking troll. 🐲
💅 and i still got up
and went to fucking work.
what else…
▸ i got kicked outta law school once.
i’m a slow reader, bro. 💀
and i don’t like to ask for help.
😢🎻
▸ got back in. big yay. (seriously ilysm) ⚖️🦄🌈🕊️💖✨
▸ now i am fucking
busting my 🥵 fucking 🥵 balls 🥵
like my life fucking depends on it.
because it literally fucking does.
▸ i don’t drink.
i don’t…like…go out.
▸ i don’t hit or abuse my kid. 💀👑
▸ i write. so i don’t end up
in fucking jail. 🏛️
from the rage, bro.
from the betrayal.
▸ i curse a lot. lol
i’m from jersey, asshole.
so yeah,
what’s up?
you’re digging for dirt?
open fucking book.
🗂️ exhibit b: hypothetical defenses from people who are wrong for a living
*with annotated fuckery response 🎠🎡🎪🎲🃏🎉
🐲 DEFENSE: “she’s unstable, your honor.”
👼 OBJECTION: calls for speculation.
⚖️ RESPONSE: unstable?
babe—i’m functioning under fuckery.
i’m unstable like a
female-run startup:
underfunded,
exhausted,
and still
⭐ outperforming your whole fucking squad. ⭐
babe—i dissociate,
then i outline my legal memo.
cry at 1,
construct the elements of a tort at 2.
baby—
schedule that shit.
🐲 DEFENSE: “she’s just trying to get attention with this trauma diary.”
👼 OBJECTION: irrelevant.
⚖️ RESPONSE: yeah. attention from state agencies.
attention from regulators.
🐲 DEFENSE: “she’s angry. she’s emotional.” 🐸🐸
👼 OBJECTION: your honor, this is some sexist shit.
⚖️ RESPONSE: no shit i’m emotional.
i’m out here trying to survive
an audacious level of abuse,
betrayal,
and student debt
with a baby.
but go off. 🔥🔥
tell me more about
how crying while filing federal forms
makes me unfit.
lol sure.
🐲 DEFENSE: “she’s just bitter because she got left.”
👼 OBJECTION: irrelevant and hysterical.
⚖️ RESPONSE: i filed the complaint.
changed the locks.
requested sole custody.
survived the consequences.
🐲 DEFENSE: “she’s trying to ruin reputations.”
👼 OBJECTION: truth is a defense to defamation, babe.
⚖️ RESPONSE: babe—
my whole theory is just screenshots.
i barely have a fucking narrative,
besides—
wtf is this shit????!!
🐲 DEFENSE: “she’s dangerous.”
👼 OBJECTION: again, calls for projection.
⚖️ RESPONSE: nah, never,
only when i have to
fight for my fucking life.
FINAL NOTE TO OPPOSING COUNSEL:
💀💀💀
you want to find some shit?
bitch, go ahead. ⚡
i’ve already archived
my biggest losses
my worst choices
and the darkest shit i’ve survived.
you want to cut my breakdowns
out of context?
go ahead.
you already look like—
huge
fucking
dickheads.
💀💀💀
✨ keep going ✨
lol.
you don’t scare me.
🤡🍿🍦🎪🎈
like
nooooo—
they’re gunna send
👹 threatening paperwork.
to intimidate me.
🔪✨
bet—
i’ll post that shit.
because you got money—
i got people that think i’m funny. 😈
and babe?—
i’ve dodged fists.
y’all have ✨ mean legal threats ✨
with zero lawful teeth.
because—
let’s be fucking real.
you are the fucking villain.
👹👹👹👹
and lol
seriously,
we allllllll fucking know—
(that’s why you’re acting weird)
i’m the only one
with a real claim. ✨
🌈🕊️👸💖✨
and shit—
it’s a
biggie—
babe.
💋
